I've always been one to value others more than they value me. Maybe it's my astrological make up (I'm a cancer/-leo cusp) or maybe something psychological but I always find myself romanticizing every relationship I have in my life. I'm not even speaking in terms of lovers and things of that sort; Even in friendships I put individuals on pedestals that soar high above the rest of humanity which I usually detest with every fiber of my being.
Perhaps it's because I'm so reserved when first meeting people that when I open up and we connect I see them as something special, something worth while, someone of value...but more often than not I find that those feelings aren't reciprocated or not to the degree in which I feel them. It's like having a pale full of seashells and only a handful of them are unblemished. Few people understand me and I don't mean like who I am because fuck I don't even know that yet or maybe that is what I mean; the little things that make up who I am, the things i find intriguing, the style of clothing i enjoy, the music that brings me happiness or in most cases sorrow which I find most attractive in a musical sense, and most of all my personality and humor as a whole.
I tend to be rude and stand offish but it's all part of my personality, I find it funny. I like being witty and telling people off, saying things they most likely don't want to hear. I've been this way for so long that I speak and often no one knows if what's spewing out of my mouth is pure sarcasm or if I'm telling them the facts. I feel like I'm rambling and getting off track.
When I'm amongst friends I speak and I often find them not listening or not taking interest in things I'm saying to them, or being interrupted abruptly which irks the living shit out me because if the shoe is on the other foot I try my fucking hardest to give upmost attention and show infinite interest in what they're saying to me...unless I find it utterly stupid or something they know I don't want to hear about (which they know, because I tell them I don't want to hear about certain things) and even when they do go along their merry way and talk about topics I have no interest in I put on my fake smile, my ears perk up, and I muster up some kind of reaction, some kind of response, and I try my best to make it genuine.
It's frustrating and uncomfortable being in a room full of people who are supposedly all connected by common factors and qualities that we find endearing and feeling like you're the odd man out, the one that's just sitting on the shore with their feet in the water. I want the love that I have for others to be reciprocated back to me with full force.
I don't want to sit on the shoreline, I like to swim.