I've always been one to value others more than they value me. Maybe it's my astrological make up (I'm a cancer/-leo cusp) or maybe something psychological but I always find myself romanticizing every relationship I have in my life. I'm not even speaking in terms of lovers and things of that sort; Even in friendships I put individuals on pedestals that soar high above the rest of humanity which I usually detest with every fiber of my being.
Perhaps it's because I'm so reserved when first meeting people that when I open up and we connect I see them as something special, something worth while, someone of value...but more often than not I find that those feelings aren't reciprocated or not to the degree in which I feel them. It's like having a pale full of seashells and only a handful of them are unblemished. Few people understand me and I don't mean like who I am because fuck I don't even know that yet or maybe that is what I mean; the little things that make up who I am, the things i find intriguing, the style of clothing i enjoy, the music that brings me happiness or in most cases sorrow which I find most attractive in a musical sense, and most of all my personality and humor as a whole.
I tend to be rude and stand offish but it's all part of my personality, I find it funny. I like being witty and telling people off, saying things they most likely don't want to hear. I've been this way for so long that I speak and often no one knows if what's spewing out of my mouth is pure sarcasm or if I'm telling them the facts. I feel like I'm rambling and getting off track.
When I'm amongst friends I speak and I often find them not listening or not taking interest in things I'm saying to them, or being interrupted abruptly which irks the living shit out me because if the shoe is on the other foot I try my fucking hardest to give upmost attention and show infinite interest in what they're saying to me...unless I find it utterly stupid or something they know I don't want to hear about (which they know, because I tell them I don't want to hear about certain things) and even when they do go along their merry way and talk about topics I have no interest in I put on my fake smile, my ears perk up, and I muster up some kind of reaction, some kind of response, and I try my best to make it genuine.
It's frustrating and uncomfortable being in a room full of people who are supposedly all connected by common factors and qualities that we find endearing and feeling like you're the odd man out, the one that's just sitting on the shore with their feet in the water. I want the love that I have for others to be reciprocated back to me with full force.
I don't want to sit on the shoreline, I like to swim.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
My days are like waiting in line at an amusement park, stagnant and anxious. My emotions going wild when i actually get on the ride, one that seems to go on for days most of the time. I feel depression and intense emotion has opened my eyes and mind to the bone shaking reality of the world, making me a complete and utter pessimist. Now, I know that most likely sounds ridiculous for a twenty year old to say but I believe it with every ounce of my being.
Everyday I see people. I see their eyes, I see the clothes they put on trying to look nice for others, the make up and the hair, I see their true intentions. I've always been a good people reader, always. I can see someone for the first time and tell you the exact type of person they are, how they'll treat you, the outcome of your relationship, and I'm rarely wrong. The only exception are instances when I've been blinded by petty feelings and attraction, which all in due time have proven to be fleeting. If I don't have an opinion on the individual it's often because they're so horrible of a person that I've deemed them insignificant in my mind. I've learned to watch my own back, because everyone else is watching theirs, no matter what they tell you. I guess what I'm trying to say is people are mainly concerned with themselves, a shocking reality right? (barely)
I'm fairly intelligent. I can understand worrying about yourself, watching out for your well being, protecting yourself and securing your place in this world. But, what I've yet to grasp is how and why we as human beings must, and I mean must, entangle and use others along the way without regard of their emotions or the outcome it may have on them. It's almost like we're horses pulling a carriage down a busy street, only capable of looking ahead due to blinders we can't take off no matter how hard we try. The mind set on one goal, to feel complete satisfaction with ones self. I'm not claiming that I haven't stabbed a few backs or taken a few low blows in my short twenty years on this planet, but what I am saying is that I've been conscious about it. I've been fully aware of my actions when it comes to important moments and what the outcome of those actions will be; and the choices I've made have been chosen because I weighed my options thoroughly and with precision. (The perks of being an over thinker i suppose.)
At night I lie in bed and think of those who've done me wrong, remembering every detail of their offense and I can't seem to point the blame on anyone but myself. "It was something I did! I wasn't attractive enough, I was too cold, clingy, ignorant, too blind." But I'm starting to realize it was never me....in almost every instance I was the best version of myself I could be at the time. It was the offenders who effortlessly undermined me, my emotions, and how I might feel all because they were concerned about themselves. Maybe I just put too much faith in people, clinging to the hope that they're considering me when the final swing of the hammer takes place. Maybe I'm just like everyone else, but for the sake of sanity I sure as hell hope I'm not.